Breathe
by Jbcjazz
Summary: A teenage girl has been raped in a hotel near the United Nations.  Alex is shaken to her soul during this case and this young girl. What drives her and why is she who she is? Will she finally let herself be open to love? Will she let Olivia love her?
1. Chapter 1

**Breathe**

**Res Ipsa Loquitur! =D **

_Italics mark personal thoughts._

**Bolds mark sounds/actions.**

**I do not own SVU, or anything involved with the Law and Order franchise.**

_I write this story to share my experiences in life with all of you. I hope that I can touch and help some of your guy's lives that might be struggling as I have and still do. I just want to help others, and I am using my best tool to do so. Writing._

_My personal promise to all of you is keeping the respect to the story material and the crime of rape. My intent is not to offend or dishonor any person victimized by a crime or any reader._

_In this story my past will become Alex's past. It will involve every emotion and experience that I have had with the tragedies and love in my life. It will explain how we became who we are and what drives us._

**This story is dedicated to my sister. I want to thank Rae for her support and beta of this story. **

**Chapter 1**

**Knock, knock, knock.**

'_Breathe, Alex. Take a deep breath. It's just someone at the door. You are an adult now, not some scared little child. You majored in Psychology before law school. You studied irrational fears and post traumatic stress disorder. You know the effects traumatic experiences can have on the human psyche. You know it from school. You have experienced it, and you see it on the faces of every vict – ... every PERSON victimized._

_I really hate the word victim. It's a label we end up pitying. It changes a person from a friend, neighbor, or family member into something less than human. The label 'victim' shouldn't take away their identity. We should not pity them, but respect them. They suffered. Some of them die. They deserve our respect, not our pity._

_Victims aren't the only ones who deserve respect. Families, friends, and communities are also affected by violence and pain. I never forget that tragedy does not only affect the victim, but the circle of people around them, even the stranger that happens to walk by or the cop that arrives at the scene. _

_I have seen the pain in her eyes over and over again. It breaks my heart every time. I sometimes wonder if the lucky ones are the ones that died.'_

**KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK.**

_Sigh._

Alex's hand trembles as she reaches for the doorknob. She tries to take a deep breath, but it comes out as a quiet, choking sob. She closes her eyes, a tear slowly escaping its prison and trailing a line down her cheek.

'_Again, Alex?'_ the attorney chastises herself._ 'You can't answer a door again? It was 22 years ago, but the scars are still there. Who am I kidding? It's still an open wound.'_

"ALEX! Open the door, it's Olivia. Come on, I know you're in there," Olivia begs from behind Alex's door... Alex's personal prison.

'_It's just Olivia, but why is she here?' _Anxiety still holds Alex hostage. Biting her lip, she can't bring herself to open the door, even though it's only Olivia.

"Damn it, Alex, I need you to get me a warrant. I KNOW you are in there." The detective's tone suddenly changes from coaxing to angry.

The breath Alex has been holding escapes her sealed lips. _Oh good, it's just a warrant. _With one more deep breath, Alex opens the door. Olivia bursts through the door as soon as it cracks open. Alex catches herself against the wall, gasping in surprise. Olivia is never this angry unless a case gets personal, and she rarely lets her anger get the best of her. That's Elliot's job.

"Olivia!" Alex yells.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Alex? I've been calling you for over an hour with no answer. Then I came all the way over here and knocked 'til my knuckles bled." Olivia points her finger accusingly in Alex's face.

"Olivia, I..." Alex tries to explain.

"I don't know who you think you are, COUNSELOR_,"_ Olivia shouts, using Alex's title to make her point, "but you're OUR ADA! Your job is to help us get everything we need from the courts to do OUR job. I know you only want to climb the political ladder, but some of us actually care about other people and catching the criminals that hurt them." Anger is streaming off of Olivia in waves.

This case has hit a nerve with Olivia, probably because it involves children. Those cases are always the hardest. A sixteen-year-old young woman was raped in her hotel room. Melissa Anderson's class came to New York to learn about international affairs and represent the United States Ambassador at the United Nations. Unfortunately for Melissa, her dream trip had become a nightmare.

Olivia sighs as she runs through the information in her head. According to Melissa's statement, a young man she met at the Hotel pool forced his way into her room and raped her. Before Elliot and Olivia could continue their investigation, the hotel manager walled up. He explained that since the hotel was near the United Nations, a lot of his guests were either rich clients or foreign officials. Several were granted diplomatic immunity. Many also had their families with them; including young teenaged sons. When neither of the detectives seemed impressed with his warnings about an 'international scandal', he laughed off the rape and said that, in his opinion, Melissa had invited the young man in and changed her story because she felt guilty for having sex.

That memory stokes Olivia's anger the most. How dare he say that? She understands that he has a business to protect, but how can he laugh off a claim of rape? That is not subject to joke about.

'_So instead of helping us, he lawyers up and says we can't investigate the hotel or its guests without a warrant,' _she thinks, still feeling spiteful._ 'I know I am in a terrible mood and letting my emotions get the best of me, but that prick rubbed me the wrong way.'_

If Melissa's claim turns out to be a ruse, it would not be the first time. Olivia knows that good detectives learn from the past, but don't let past experiences bias them. She and Elliot have spent all day rushing around. Not only did the hotel manager refuse to help, but the hotel was bitch to investigate. She tries not to think about the huge job they have ahead of them.

'_Most of our evidence is probably tainted anyway because the rooms are filthy. A lot of people use fake names at hotels, and unless they pay with credit cards, it's very difficult to find out who is who. Worst of all, this is an international hotel. For all we know, the suspect has already left with his family. Even if he hasn't, his parents might have diplomatic immunity and then it will take months to try and revoke it...'_

Thinking about the case gives Olivia a headache. That is why she tried to contact Alex for help. She called her office, but they said she had taken a personal day. Olivia knows it's St. Patrick's Day, but part of her can't help feeling annoyed. She thinks of Elliot, back at the Hotel playing guard dog while she tracks down their erstwhile ADA, and her headache grows worse.

'_I know that Alex became our ADA to use us as a stepping-stone, but I will not be stepped on_.' But Olivia knows in her heart that she let her anger get the best of her, and that she doesn't know Alex's side of the story. She had been fighting for Melissa, and Alex just happened to be in the way.They always fight, and Olivia usually chalks it up to stubbornness, competitiveness, or – at least in her case – sexual tension.

'_God, Alex is so hot in her power suit, those black heels, long legs, and those fuck me glasses...'_

Memories of Alex dressed up for court are replaced by memories of their recent argument_. "I know you only want to climb the political ladder, but some of us actually care about other people and catching_ the criminals that hurt them...'_ Oh God… did I just really say that?'_

"Is that how you really feel, Olivia?" Alex says in a hurt voice. The hurtful words are fresh in her mind as well.

Olivia finally looks at Alex, forgetting the hotel manager, the situation, and the suspect. She finally sees the brokenhearted expression, the anxiety and fear laced in those tear filled eyes. A few have escaped Alex's eyes, and her face is slightly red from crying.

Now that she can see the effect of her words, Olivia regrets them. She has never seen Alex this upset before.Something isn't right, though.The tear streaks on Alex's cheeks weren't fresh.

'_What did I just walk… well stomp... into?' _Olivia wonders._ 'I know in my heart that Alex cares. Hell, she cares deeply.' _Olivia has always suspected that something else drives Alex besides political ambition. After Sam Cavanaugh's case, she was sure of it. She has just never been able to find out what._ 'I know I have feelings for Alex, but how strong are they if I don't even try to get to know her better?'_

"Alex, I…" Olivia says, trying to apologize.

"You know what, Detective Benson? Just tell me what you want from me. I will get you your warrant if it is justified, then I expect you to leave." Alex tries to speak with conviction, but she fails, her voice breaking slightly.

"Alex, I didn't mean it."

"Yes you did, Detective. You meant every word. At least now I know how you really feel about me. I will not say this again: tell me what you need for the warrant and leave." Alex says sharply, raising her emotional walls.

She hates it when other people see her at her weakest. She pretends not to care that her colleagues think she only wants to be the next DA and doesn't care about the victims. But Alex knows that isn't exactly true. She cares what Olivia thinks of her. She cares deeply.

'_I know I never told her why I am the way I am, but I am a private person. I don't like people to get close to me, even though I desperately want them close, especially Olivia... The first moment I saw her, she took my breath away. Then, after getting to know her, I fell for her – her dedication, her mind, her way with those victimized, her body... but most of all, her heart and spirit._

_But now I'm hurt again, and I hurt her as well. I can see it in her eyes right now. I never let her in my heart, but she hasn't let me in, either. It's probably for the best. Better to lose her now, before she has more of my heart to break later.'_

Olivia sighs, interrupting Alex's thoughts. She knows when to quit. She wants to push more and find out what's wrong with Alex, but she needs that warrant. Melissa's needs came first. The detective moves a hand through her hair and lets out a deep breath. She will have to repair her relationship with Alex later.

"Okay. We have a rape, a sixteen year old girl at a hotel." Olivia notices Alex tense up after she says the age of the victim and the location of the crime. Furrowing her brow for a moment, Olivia continues. "It's near the United Nations, and because of that, the Manager is refusing to help. He says he doesn't want an international incident if she implicates the child of a diplomat."

"Wait," Alex interrupts, "a teenage girl was raped by another child at a hotel near the UN?"

Olivia looks at Alex for a moment longer, studying her carefully. _Why is Alex breathing fast?_ "Well, that is what Melissa claims."

Alex's face drains of all color, becoming white as a sheet. _No, no, no… This can't be happening again. This is way too similar already._

"Her name is Melissa?" Alex asks, trying not to panic.

"Yes… Melissa Anderson. Sixteen years old, blonde hair, blue eyes, five foot four." Olivia hands a picture of Melissa over. "She claims that she met the young man near the pool. Later, she said he came up to her room and knocked on the door. She thought it was her teacher checking to make sure all the students made curfew. Melissa opened the door and the suspect forced his way in and raped... Alex?" Realizing something was wrong, Olivia moves closer to Alex.

Alex knees buckle when she sees the picture of Melissa. Olivia catches her and moves her to the couch. "Alex, what's wrong? Sweetie, please just breathe, okay?" Olivia starts to get really worried. Something isn't right.

"This can't be happening… Not today. Not again." Alex begins to break down.

Olivia does not know what to do. _'What does she mean, not again?'_


	2. Chapter 2

_I want to thank all of you for reading, the story alerts, favorites and reviews. It means a lot to me. Hopefully, you have all enjoyed the first chapter._

**Chapter 2**

Furrowing her brow, Olivia tries to look into Alex's eyes, bending down and lightly pushing the ADA up from her tilted position on the couch. "Alex? I need you to relax, honey. Just take a few deep breaths with me." Olivia realizes that she needs to calm Alex down a bit before she can ask her to explain what she meant by '_not again'._

Olivia rubs Alex's back softly in a circle with one hand, and the other moves to Alex's cheek, wiping away a stray tear. '_She's shutting down on me. What's going on?'_

"Alex, look at me," Olivia pleads. She has not been this scared in a long time. Her friend is suffering, and she doesn't know how to help. Finally, after what seems like hours, Alex's gaze lifts to Olivia's. "There are those pretty blues I love," Olivia smiles.

'_Love?'_ For just a moment, Alex is distracted from the terrifying scream echoing in her head and the pain in her heart.

"Okay, Alex, take a breath with me," Olivia explains, demonstrating with a deep breath of her own. "One, two, three. Now let it out slowly. Good girl. One more time." The detective's own throat tightens as she guides Alex, helping her to breathe and relax. Alex's lip is quivering and body is shaking, but she is slowly recovering from her panic attack.

Taking Alex into her arms, Olivia holds her tight. "Alex, are you okay? Can you tell me what you meant when you said 'not again'?" Olivia asks, not wanting to pry. Alex is still recovering from her panic attack, but the ADA and Melissa both need help, and this might be the key.

Alex eyes snap open as the shock finally wears off. "I'm going to be sick," Alex whispers, pushing Olivia away and bolting toward the bathroom. '_Not again, not again.' _Losing her balance for a moment, Alex falls toward the wall, knocking a picture off. It crashes on the wooden floor, shattering the glass.

"ALEX!" Olivia rushes toward the fallen attorney, helping Alex to the bathroom as fast as she can. They barely make it in time. As soon as she reaches the toilet, Alex falls to her knees, unloading the contents of her stomach. Sadly, all that comes up is a bit of water. She has not been able to eat all day. After a few violent heaves, she rests her arm on the seat, a painful sob escaping from her throat. '_It's not her. That is not Melissa in the photo. It can't be._'

Olivia kneels down next to Alex, putting her hand on her shoulder. "Alex?"

"GET OUT!" Alex screams.

Stunned, Olivia falls back on the floor from her crouched position. She looks up, expecting to see a furious Alex, but after a closer look, she realizes that the lawyer's expression is pure fear. "Alex…" Olivia says again, getting to her feet. Alex tries to stand on wobbly legs as well. Her determination to make Olivia leave is strong.

"I SAID GET OUT!" she shouts into Olivia's face. Olivia jumps back, getting more scared by the second. She has never seen Alex like this. Pushing Olivia hard, Alex finally forces her out of the bathroom. Slamming the door in Olivia's face she quickly locks her out.

'_What the fuck?' _Olivia is stunned. It takes a moment for the detective to regain her senses. '_Did she just push me? Did she just slam the door in my face? Oh hell no, not another damn door.' _"ALEX! Open the fucking door, now!" Olivia orders, trying to twist the doorknob open. She is mad again, but also afraid. Alex is terrified, and Olivia doesn't know why, or how to help. It is a mystery that she intends to solve.

"Get out of my apartment, Olivia!" Alex screams back.

"No, I am not leaving until you open the door."

"Fuck you, Liv!"

Taking a deep breath, Olivia switches tactics. "Alex, please open the door." A tear falls from Olivia's cheek onto the ground. It seems to echo around the apartment as it hits the hard wooden floorboards. "You're scaring me."

A choked sob comes from the bathroom. "Just leave me, Olivia… Please," Alex pleads.

Olivia lets her head fall against the door, trying to figure out how to explain that she can't just leave. "Alex… I can't leave." _SAY IT! _"I lo…"_ JUST DO IT! Say you love her! _"I need the warrant." _Oh God… I didn't just screw up again. I didn't just say that. Did I? Yes, I need the warrant and Melissa needs me, but so does Alex. Why does this have to be so hard? This has nothing to do with the warrant. This has everything doing with the fact that I'm a coward when it comes to revealing my feelings to Alex.'_

The door flies open and Olivia almost falls through. This time, Olivia recognizes the emotion in Alex's eyes. There is no fear anymore. Only rage. '_You did it now, Olivia. At least she isn't scared anymore. She just wants to kill you.'_

"The warrant? You need your fucking warrant? Fine. Since all you care about is your warrant, I will get it for you," Alex snaps, throwing back the same accusations Olivia threw at her earlier about her lack of caring. She stomps off to her bed. Grabbing her cell phone, she dials a familiar number. After a few rings, the caller picks up.

"This is Donnelly," Liz answers, her tone slightly softer than usual. She knows what the day means to Alex, but she is curious about the reason behind the phone call. Usually, Alex shuts herself away from the world on St. Patrick's Day. Liz doesn't blame her.

"Hello, Judge Donnelly," Alex answers with a bite in her voice.

"Alex? What's wrong?" Liz asks, taken aback by Alex's tone.

"I need a warrant." Alex explains, shooting a piercing glare directly at Olivia. '_She says I don't care! Look at me, freaking out, crying, vomiting, in pain, and all she cares about is her damn warrant. I know that this young girl comes first to Olivia, but don't I matter, too?'_

Olivia gulps, her feet glued to their spot on the floor. She feels terrible. '_What else can I screw up today? First, I let my anger take over unloaded it on Alex. Then, instead of telling her I love her and trying to help, I make it sound like I only care about getting the warrant. I just want to help both of them… why do I always ruin everything?'_ Olivia lets her head fall, tears clouding her vision.

"That is not what I was asking about, Alexandra," Liz says on the other end of the phone, getting defensive. She can tell that something is wrong with Alex, and she wants to know what it is. Most people don't know how close their relationship really is. Liz Donnelly is not just Alex's former boss. Deep down, she considers Alex to be like her own child, though she would never admit it. She saw so much potential in Alex when they first met, and still does. That is why she was so hard on her at first. Alex came from sweet parents that loved her, but sometimes they did not push her like they should have. They never gave Alex an ultimatum. Alex needed some tough love to grow in a hard world. Liz used to feel guilty that she had to be the strict parent, but that is what Alex needed to accomplish her goals at the time.

"Liz… Not now. I just need a warrant." The bite has left Alex's voice, a mixture of defeat and exhaustion replacing it. Alex knows she is being selfish. '_Olivia is right, the warrant and Melissa come first.' _

After explaining the situation to Donnelly, Alex gets Olivia her warrant.

"Thanks, Liz."

"Alex, do you need me to come over?" Liz asks, still concerned.

"No, I'm fine," Alex answers quietly.

"I know this day is hard for you, Alex. I am not going to tell you how to feel after all these years."

"I know…"

"Alex… it wasn't your fault." Liz explains for what feels like the hundredth time.

"I don't want to talk about this right now."

"Okay, but I recommend that you don't get involved in this case, and you know why," Liz warns.

"I… I know. Thank you, Liz."

"You're welcome, Alex. If you need me, please call."

"I will. Goodbye."

"Bye."

After hanging up, Alex turns around. She can see that Olivia is upset. There are tears in her eyes. '_I hurt her again. She is only doing her job. SVU isn't just her job, it's her life. She does this for a reason, just like I do. She only wants to help Melissa. She never wanted to hurt me, but we both hurt each other anyway.'_

"Um… I got your warrant. Liz will get it to Don. Can you just go?" Alex asks. She just can't deal with this right now. Not with Olivia. Not today.

"Alex, I'm sorry." Olivia tries to take a step forward, but she is stopped by Alex's raised hand.

"Olivia, please. Not right now. Just go, you have a job to do." Alex slowly walks toward the bathroom. Before closing the door, she pauses. "I'm sorry, too." She shuts the door the rest of the way and locks Olivia out again.

Olivia slumps her shoulders in defeat and takes a deep breath. She does have a job to do. Taking out her cell phone, she dials Elliot's number. Waiting for him to pick up, she heads for the living room, away from Alex.

"Stabler," Elliot answers.

"Hey, I got the warrant," Olivia sighs.

"You okay?"

"No, but I can't get into it now," Olivia explains.

"Another fight with the Ice Princess?"

"Yes and no."

"What happened?"

"Elliot, really, not now. I am on my way." Olivia is not in the mood to talk about this.

"Okay." Elliot hangs up.

'_Sigh'_

**Crunch**

Looking down, Olivia sees that she has just stepped on the broken frame and picture. It must have fallen when Alex knocked against the wall. She picks it up and turns it over. A young woman is standing in front of a pond at Central Park. '_She is_ _cute. She looks familiar. Blonde hair, blue eyes… wait.'_

Walking over to the photo of Melissa that Alex dropped near the couch, Olivia picks it up and holds it next to the picture in the frame. _Oh my God. _Pulling the picture out of the frame, she compares the two images. _It can't be._ Turning the picture around, Olivia gasps. In black marker are the words: **Melissa at Central Park during her School trip.**


	3. Author's Note

**I apologize deeply for the delay. The last few weeks have been very hard for my family and me. I had to go to a psychiatric clinic and was diagnosed with severe extreme depression, severe extreme anxiety, OCD, and PTSD. I have been suffering from this and other conditions for all my life. Some of you know and have similar issues I know, or even worse. I am not comparing my life to others or saying I have had it harder than anyone because I haven't. I also ended up losing my job. It's hard when the Psychiatrist tells you that you should not even consider working or school for a couple years due to how bad it is, and that it could take up to 10 years to even see any normalcy development. I see a lot more people in this world with far more pain than I ever had and can function fine. My respect goes out to all people that have had struggles big or small. It hurts when I just want to help people and touch their lives, but you cannot even help yourself. I am worried about my future and if I will ever be able to take care of myself or even achieve any dreams. I hope that my reviews to fellow authors are able to help them and touch their lives as well. All of your stories bring me great joy and hope. Seeing a strong relationship between Alex and Olivia written by so many talented authors like Rae, 1821, clomle44, savvik55 and SVUlover14 (just to name a few)based on true love, trust, patience, bonding through pain and strife, compromise, and soul mates makes me hope that I can find one like them as well. I want to thank you all, fellow authors and readers alike. **

**To all that have reviewed, read, favorite this story, story alerts and favorite me as an author. It means the world to me that you have enjoyed this story and my work. You have no idea how that saves me from myself. I will try to update more often when I can, the next chapter should be up in a few days. Please enjoy and any questions, suggestions or reviews about this story or me are very welcomed and I really want to hear them. Like I said I just want to help and be there for all of you like you have for me. Thank you all.**


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Alex slowly slides down to the floor, keeping her back against the door. The slamming sound still echoes in her ears. She holds her breath, listening to Olivia's footsteps slowly fade away. It is time to carefully string her broken heart back together. Her thoughts drift to the young girl in the picture Olivia gave her.

_Oh, Melissa, I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. I will fix this, I promise. I will not let this go. I will make sure that you get justice._

A decision is made, and Alex steels her resolve. The best way to honor this day and Melissa is to solve this case. Moving with purpose, Alex opens the bathroom door and retrieves her cell phone from its place on her bed. Scrolling through her contact list, she finds the number she is looking for and hits the send button.

"Munch."

"John, this is Alex. I have a favor to ask."

"Hmm, what kind of favor, Counselor?" Munch asks, a hint of teasing in his voice.

Ignoring the tone from Munch, Alex lets the mask she wears as an ADA begin to take over. "Are you working on the Melissa Anderson case?"

...

Olivia lets out a hurt sigh. She wanted to stay and comfort Alex, and also to ask what the hell the connection was between Alex and Melissa, but she has to get to the hotel as soon as possible. Hitting the gas, Olivia drives toward the hotel to begin sorting out this mess.

_Ok, let me get this straight,_ the detective thinks to herself, beginning to make a list in her head._ One, Melissa meets an unknown young man near the pool. Two, later that night, the unknown man knocks on her hotel room door. Melissa thinks it's her teacher and opens the door. The suspect forces his way in to the room and rapes Melissa. Three, the hotel won't cooperate to protect their business and reputation. Four, there is a chance that suspect could be the child of diplomat, which complicates the investigation. Fifth..._ Olivia paused, letting out a sigh. _Alex._

The detective runs her fingers through her hair, letting out a frustrated laugh. _That won't be a fun conversation, but I'll fix this. I am not going to let Alex push me away again. I will find out what is bothering her and the connection with Melissa and stop being a coward. I am going to lay all my cards on the table and tell Alex my feelings. I love her. She took my breath away when I first saw her. My heart skipped a beat when she smiled at me the first time. It melted when I saw her fight for justice for Sam. I can tell she has feelings for me, too. I am a detective, after all. I just need to figure out a way to help her let go of her fear and let me in. First, though, Melissa._

Hitting the brakes, the detective reaches her destination. Taking her necklace in her hand Olivia prepares herself for the investigation. "Fearlessness." _You better prove that today. You made a promise to yourself to be fearless and all you have been is afraid of your feelings and Alex not reciprocating._ _ Right now though, you need to focus and let go of all outside stress and problems in order to devote yourself to the solving this crime. _

Elliot quickly runs to the car as Olivia steps out. His face betrays his emotions. His jaw is set and Olivia swears she can hear his teeth grinding together. A slight flush around his face shows his anger flaring as well.

"Stupid prick. Look." Elliot spits while his hand points to the door. Numerous customers are leaving and entering the hotel. Olivia lets out an angry sigh. "He refused to lockdown the hotel. It's impossible to get all the witness statements now and for all we know the perp already has left."

"I know, Elliot, but what can we do? First off, we have no real proof that a rape happened. Did Munch and Fin take Melissa to the hospital for a rape kit?" Olivia asks as they enter the hotel.

"Yeah. Fin stayed here though to help contain the scene."

"Good. Did Melissa give any physical description or name?" Olivia asks as she looks around the hotel. Her training kicks in, making her aware of all the occupants and deciding if any of them are acting suspicious.

"Young athletic build, Caucasian, shaggy, sandy blonde hair, green eyes, estimated age of 17-20, around 180 lbs, and about 6 feet tall. She did give a first name, Deacon, and she claims he had an accent, either English or Australian."

"Shit. There goes a check in the 'diplomat' column."

"You can't jump to that conclusion, Liv. It could be just a kid on vacation with the family, or even by himself. Also, it isn't that hard to fake an accent." Stabler explains.

"True. I also doubt that Deacon is his real name." They both slow upon reaching the elevator and step in. Elliot hits the button for the 12th floor and the doors slide shut. Luckily, they are the only occupants. Elliot shifts slightly, straightening his jacket. Olivia can tell something is on his mind.

"What, Stabler?"

"Nothing…" Elliot says, avoiding the issue.

"I don't want to get into it right now." The female detective turns her head away in frustration.

"I didn't say anything."

"You didn't have to."

"Look, Olivia, I know how you feel about Alex. Hell, we all do. I know something happened with her after your phone call."

"First off, it's none of your business. Second, we are on a case. And third… I have no fucking idea." Biting her lip, Olivia ponders if she should share the info about Melissa's picture being in Alex's apartment. _I don't want to betray Alex's privacy, but if she does know Melissa better to let El know now then later. I trust Elliot. I am so sorry Alex but I have too. _"Elliot, I think Alex may know Melissa."

"What?" He turns around quickly to face her.

"Well, when I got there, Alex was crying. She wouldn't answer the door at first and I blew up at her. We fought, and no, I am not going into what it was about. She told me to leave after getting the warrant and I did… Then I stepped on a broken picture frame on the floor."

"Broken frame? Did you guys physically fight or something? Why was it broken?" Elliot interrupts.

"When I showed Alex the picture of Melissa, she started to panic. She bolted out of the room, ran into the wall, and knocked the picture over. I helped her to the bathroom and she got sick," Olivia explained while rubbing her temples.

"She was sick?"

Stepping out of the elevator the two detectives start toward the room, their conversation growing quiet as they walk. A few Crime scene units walking by and they spot Fin near the door.

"Yeah, Elliot. The broken frame, this was the picture." She pulls it from her jacket and hands it to him.

"You took it!" Fin and a few units turn toward Elliot, distracted by his yell.

"Elliot, look." The two stop in the middle of the hallway. Shooting her partner a glance, Olivia silently tells Elliot to quiet down. _I can't believe I took it, it's not like Alex won't notice its absence. She is going to freaking kill me._

Once Elliot has taken a long look at the picture, Olivia turns it over to show the note on the back. His eyebrows scrunch in confusion. "It's Melissa. Liv, what did she say when you asked her?"

"I ah… didn't ask her."

"Why not?"

"I had to get back here and she was in no condition to talk, plus if she wanted to tell me she would have."

"Olivia, you have a duty to Melissa, and that comes first, not Alex's feelings."

"I know, but I also have a duty to Alex. El, you should have seen her. Something is going on with her, and I promise I will talk to her about it after we lock down the hotel. Okay?" she pleads, hoping Elliot will understand.

After a deep breath, he relents. "Fine, but you better talk to Alex, and the sooner the better."

Fin, who was tired of waiting for the two in the hallway, approaches them, joining the conversation. "Guys, now is not the time to try and convince Olivia to finally tell Alex how she feels about her, we have a job to do."

"Fin, that is not what we were talking about." Olivia mutters frustratedly.

"It kind of was." Elliot stops his sentence with a glare from Olivia.

_God, Elliot, not now. Please don't tell Fin what I found. I will deal with it._

Elliot seems to understand, so he drops it.

"Come on, let's go." Fin turns back towards the hotel room and enters. The two other detectives follow, tension gripping them both.

...

Alex enters the hospital trauma wing, looking for Munch. Spotting him near the nurse's station, apparently hitting on the on duty nurse, she moves toward him.

"Hello, John"

Turning around, Munch addresses her. "Hey, Alex, look, I really don't think this is a good idea."

"I know John but I have to, please."

Munch has never seen Alex like this, even during the Cavanaugh case.

"Alex, you shouldn't talk with her yet, not without the dynamic duo here as well."

"They are busy at the hotel."

"I know, but I need to go with you then."

"John, I am your ADA, I can talk with her without you, got it?" Alex says in a threatening tone.

"Fine, but if your pretty ass gets into trouble, I am not laying my pretty ass out to dry with it."

"Thank you."

Alex moves toward the hospital room looking first through the window at the young girl. _Oh God, not again. What am I doing here? She won't understand. I have to explain to her. _Alex pauses, looking up towards the sky. _Melissa, I am here to help. Please just give me a chance. _

Taking a few steps inside, Alex knocks quietly on the door frame, announcing her presence, Melissa's gaze lifts toward her and Alex's breath escapes her body. _Those beautiful blue eyes. I have missed those. _"Hi Melissa."


	5. Chapter 4

**Thank you all for your kind words and support. You have all brought a light into my life and a smile to my face. Please enjoy the next chapter.**

**Chapter 4**

'_I hate hospitals. I mean I REALLY hate hospitals.' _A nervous breath leaves Olivia as she walks through the halls of the hospital, heading towards the trauma center. Reminders of other visits to the hospital fill her head – times she had visited victims or injured unis. Times she had been there herself. '_Christ, how many more times can I do this? How many more times can I walk into a trauma center to interview someone that has been hurt in the worst way? This is even worse now that it involves Alex. So many questions to be answered, and I have no idea where to start.'_

Stepping around a corner, the smell of disinfectant clouds Olivia's mind. '_You would think that they would try and make a better-smelling sterilizer.' _Seeing a woman up ahead with blonde hair, the detective's heart quickens. '_Benson, you got it bad… Even the sight of a stranger with blonde hair gets you thinking about her. Wait, that's Serena.'_

Picking up her pace, she steps closer to the former ADA. "Serena?"

Turning quickly toward the questioning voice, Serena smiles when she recognizes the detective. "Hey, Olivia, it's been awhile."

"Yes, it has…how have you been?"

"I've been doing great, actually," Serena answers with a smile.

"That's good, so Alex told me that you are a victim's advocate now, how is that going?"

"Very rewarding. I miss my old job, but this job is so much more personal. I get to deal more with the people instead of the politics of the court room."

"I'm happy you have found that, Serena. The victims need someone that has experience in the actual courtroom to help them through it. Is that why you are here?" Liv questions.

"Yes, a teenage girl that was raped at a hotel."

'_Wait, she is here for Melissa? We haven't even named this as a rape yet.' _"You got called already? It just happened last night and hasn't even been ruled as a rape yet." Olivia's brow furrowed with confusion.

A sad look passes across Serena's eyes. "Well… Alex called me…"

"She called you?" Olivia interrupts.

"About an hour ago, in fact. I just got here. I am waiting to be let in after Alex is done talking to her." She explained.

"Alex is here?" Without getting or even wanting an answer, Olivia storms down the hall, spotting Munch on the way. Serena follows her with a confused look on her face.

"Munch!"

"Ah, more beautiful women grace my presence. First our lovely ADA, and now the ravishing Serena being led by our stunning detective," Munch went on.

"Where's Alex?" Olivia asks. '_What the hell is Alex doing here?'_

"You didn't come all this was to see me? I'm crushed." The old detective pouts.

"Munch!"

"Ok, ok. Over there." He points over to a closed door, but the blinds are open, revealing two distraught women. Olivia's heart aches. Melissa and Alex are sobbing together. Without even realizing it, Olivia ends up next to the window watching. Serena sidles up, gazing at the two as well. '_Alex is in so much pain, I hope they are there for each other. ' _After a painful swallow, Olivia turns slightly to Serena. They have to know each other somehow. "Serena what's the connection between them?" pointing to Alex and Melissa.

"None."

'_None? How can there be none? Alex and Serena have been friends for years. She has to know. Is she covering for Alex, and if so why?'_

Olivia hands Serena the photograph. "I found this in Alex's apartment after I went to her for a warrant to search the hotel. I know they know each other." Liv explains. Serena's jaw drops.

"She gave Melissa's picture to you?" _'I knew it. There is a connection. She wouldn't have reacted that way if there wasn't. She knows it's Melissa even without seeing the back of the picture or getting a good look at her in the hospital room. She is hiding something.' _

"Well, no."

"You stole it?" Serena accuses.

"No, I didn't steal it – well, okay, I did – but I had a good reason. Look." She points to the photo. "Why would Alex have this if she doesn't know the victim? I know you know what's going on."

"Olivia, it's not my place to tell you about Melissa." The former ADA points to the picture and sighs.

"It is when it can help the investigation, and you just said there was no connection between them." Olivia points to the window at the two women.

"Melissa has nothing to do with this investigation." Serena hands the photo back to Olivia.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Olivia's anger rises along with her confusion. "She was the one that has been raped."

"Alex told you?" Serena seems extremely shocked.

"Told Olivia what?" Alex responds to the question directed toward Olivia. Both women turn toward Alex. She spots the photo in Olivia's hand. "Where did you get that?" Alex grabs at the photo with such ferocity that both women jump.

"I uh…" Olivia stammers. '_Oh God. She is freaking pissed, I'm dead.' _Serena takes a step back. Alex quickly gets into the detective's face.

"Did you take this from my apartment?" the icy glare sends tremors down her spine.

"Yes, but Alex…" Before Olivia could finish, a flash of hot pain erupts on her cheek, and her head flies backward. Putting her hand to her face, Olivia looks back to see Alex's hand still in the air.

"You had no right." Tears start escaping her eyes. '_How many times am I going to cry today? How could Olivia do this? How could she steal Melissa from me? She is mine. That's all I have left.' _Pulling the picture to her chest Alex starts moving closer to Olivia fight still in her eyes.

"Alex." Serena stops Alex's approach and Munch quickly comes to Olivia's aid, checking to see if she was bleeding. "Honey, you need to calm down, Olivia didn't mean to hurt you. She just wants to know what is going on."

Turning to Serena, Alex's venom now targeted her. "Olivia doesn't need or deserve any explanation. Maybe if she was my friend, which she isn't anymore," she spits, glaring back at Olivia, "instead of a fucking thief then I would tell her."

"Alex, I'm sorry." Tears fall from Olivia's eyes as well, not from the slap, but from her broken heart. '_She hates me. I ruined our friendship and any chance I had of being with her.'' _"I took it because it's a picture of Melissa. I just wanted to help."

"Then why the hell didn't you come to me instead of stealing her?" Alex's movements become erratic as she holds the photo closer to her chest. Olivia steps toward her, seeing Serena struggle to keep her on her feet.

"Stealing her? Alex, you aren't making any sense, she is right in there." Munch points into the hospital room. Luckily, the door is closed, so Melissa could not hear what was going on outside her room. Unfortunately, she could see out the window and it was frightening her.

Ignoring Munch, Olivia continues her approach toward Alex as a few nurses start stepping in to diffuse the situation.

"That is enough!" the head nurse yells to all parties. A few nurses run into Melissa's room to check on her. "This is a hospital. If none of you can control yourselves, and I do not care if you are the police I will ask you all to leave." Serena starts to pull Alex away and gets her to a chair next to the door trying to calm her down, while Munch and Olivia get ripped a new one by the bitchy nurse.

'_Breathe, Alex, just breathe. My mask is falling apart, and now is not the time to be exposed.'_

"Alex… Sweetie, it's me, Serena. Come back to me, okay?"

After a few blinks and breaths, Alex returns to the world. '_Damnit, I blacked out again.' _

"Alex, do you want me to call Liz?"

"Yes…" Alex hated admitting she needed help.

'_I am supposed to be the helper, not the helpee. God, I am so weak. Why is it that I respect and honor those that are strong enough to seek help, and yet hate myself for needing it?'_

"Wait… I'll call her. You need to do your job now, Serena. Help her. She needs it more than I do." Alex points to Melissa's hospital room.

"Okay, Alex, but I am right here. You are my best friend. I worry about you, especially today." Serena hugs Alex.

Alex turns her head and looks over to Olivia while returning Serena's hug, tears leaving trails down the Detective's now bruised face. Guilt suddenly consumes Alex. '_What have I done? I'm not helping anyone. I'm just making it worse. Everyone is confused, and I need to explain to Olivia what is wrong with me. I just hope she can forgive me.' _They suddenly lock eyes, and Alex sees pain and also... jealousy?

'_NO! That should be me holding her not Serena.' _Olivia had heard through the grapevine that when Serena was let go from the DA's office, Branch had fired her because she was gay. Later, it was revealed that her sexuality had nothing to do with it. '_I don't need competition from a smart, beautiful blonde. Alex is my smart, beautiful blonde. What am I doing? I have no right to be jealous and Alex isn't mine. She never will be, since I stole from her and broke her trust. I need to try though.'_

After breaking their hug, Serena enters Melissa's hospital room. Alex looks first to Melissa in her hospital bed then to the photo in her hand. '_I am so sorry, Melissa. I love you so much. I need you.'_

Sighing, Alex stands up and moves toward Olivia. Munch stands near the nurse's station, trying to keep peace with the hospital staff after the disruptive argument.

Stopping just short of the female detective, the ADA stays distant enough for herself. '_I can't be close to her right now._'

"I'm sorry, Detective Benson. I shouldn't have hit you." Alex looks into Olivia's eyes.

'_Detective Benson? Why so formal? Oh shit, she is putting on her Ice Princess court room persona. She is pushing me away. And why is she apologizing to me? If this was the other way around, I probably would have shot her, not just a slap.'_

"Alex you have no need to apologize. This is all my fault and I am the one that should apologize. I am sorry." Olivia gulps hard. "Are we still friends?" '_Please, God, don't let my mistake ruin this. Don't push me away, Alex.'_

"I don't know." She says with a shrug.

Olivia's world stops. Alex can see that she has just ripped the brunette's heart out. '_It's better this way. End it now before anything starts and let Olivia find a better friend. It will hurt less now than later. Just remember that quote you read a while ago, it's better to live with the dull ache of loneliness then to suffer from each hole left in your heart from loved ones now gone.'_

"Alex, please…" Olivia's knees start to shake, the investigation now forgotten. '_All right, Olivia, now is the time. You can't let her push you away. Fight; do not let her walk away._ Gaining courage from her heart Olivia continues toward her goal."Don't do this, you ARE my friend. My best friend. Don't tell me that you don't know that. We are going to talk about this right now."

"Not today, Detective."

"It's Olivia, Alex! Not Detective. I'm your Olivia." She lays her heart on the line.

"Olivia… I can't." Tears spill from Alex's red eyes.

"Yes, Alex, you can. With me, you always can."

"I am so tired, Olivia." Suddenly, Alex looks like she has aged a hundred years in just a few moments.

"Oh, honey... Come on, let's get some fresh air." Olivia guides Alex over to an outdoor garden built for patients on the 12th floor balcony. They sit on a marble bench overlooking the city. Olivia keeps a little distance for fear of getting to close and scaring Alex away but close enough to show she is there. A slight breeze blows against both while the sun sets against the skyline. '_Such a beautiful sunset. If it wasn't for all this tension, this would be the perfect date moment.' _

Olivia risks taking Alex's hand in hers. Alex flinches and tries to pull away, but Olivia won't let her. '_No, Alex, not anymore. I will not let you be alone anymore. You distance yourself from everyone, and I am going to stop that right now.'_

Meanwhile, Alex is consumed with her own painful thoughts.

'_Olivia, why are you making this so hard? Please just let me run away. It is what I am good at. I can't function without my mask. You won't like what is underneath. The last time I let someone be this close to me that wasn't my parents, they left me alone and in such terrible pain. I can't live through a moment like that again. It's not a fear of being alone, but of being abandoned. Melissa abandoned me. It was neither of our fault, but she left me. I can't risk getting close to you and being abandoned again Olivia. My heart couldn't take it.'_

"Alex." Olivia interrupts Alex's thoughts. "We really need to talk about all this and get rid of all the confusion. I am going to be completely open and honest with you. Will you please do the same for me?"

Alex turns to Olivia, her jaw clenched, not really wanting to talk. '_Come on Alex, you want to let it all out. You need to tell someone your story, or it will eat all that is left inside and leave you hollow. Yes, Liz and Serena know, but YOU didn't to tell them the story. Liz heard it from your parents and Serena knew you as it happened. You have known them all your life. They are family, but Olivia is someone you love as an eternal lover and you are afraid of what she'll think. You have to tell your story to someone. Why can't that be someone you love with all your heart? Why can't it be Olivia? Just let go, Alex. Let Olivia in.'_

"Okay. Let's talk."

"Thank you." Olivia smiles at her. After a deep breath, the first question leaves her lips. "Alex, how do you know Melissa?" she asks, pointing to the photo from the broken frame in Alex's trembling grip.

Looking at the photo, she lightly traces the image with a fingertip and a sad smile appears on her face. A stray tear falls onto the image. "She's my sister."

**I know there are a lot of questions and they will be answered in the next few chapters. I hope this isn't too confusing. Please send me any questions you have if you are confused with anything. Thank you all for reading.**


	6. Chapter 5

**Sorry for the long delay, life has been hectic. I hope all this makes sense with the reveal of some of Alex's past. Any questions please message. If you read past chapters you will see signs of the reveals.**

**Chapter 5**

"Your sister?" Olivia gasps. '_Sister. SISTER! Alex has a sister and she never told me? I thought we were close. Melissa is so much younger, what the fuck is going on? What the hell do I say? She never talks about her. What happened?' _So many questions and emotions swirl in her head. Sadly, hurt and anger won out. "Alex, what the hell? Why didn't you tell me she was your sister?" She stands up, letting go of Alex's hand.

"Olivia, please…" the attorney pleads her case to the detective, closing her eyes and running her long fingers through her hair. '_Please let her understand...' _"It's hard for me to explain."

"Hard for you? Alex, I told you about my mother and childhood. I explained how I am a child of rape. I told you about my brother. All those were hard for me."

'_Stop it, Benson, please just calm down. Do not run or make her run. You promised to talk with her and try to give her understanding, not judgment.'_

The pained expression masking Olivia's face breaks Alex's heart. "Please, Liv, just give me a chance to explain?" she pleads with all her soul.

Olivia sees the pain marking Alex's face, and feels her heart break as well. "Ok. I will listen and try to understand. It just hurts, Alex. I want to know everything about you because …" _Can I do it? "_Alex… I," – _Just one more step, Benson. You can do it – "_I love you..."

'_Oh my God, I did it! Oh my God… I did it… Oh shit.' _Instantly, Olivia begins to panic. She realizes that she has just laid all of her cards out on the table in the middle of a hospital, after her sister was raped. '_Way to pick the moment, Benson,' _she thinks, instantly beginning to regret her decision.

"You love me?" The blonde asks. '_Olivia loves me? My dream girl loves me? It isn't just one sided.' _A tear falls from her eye and her lips twitch into a smile.

"Yes, Alex, I love you. I hope that is a happy tear?" the detective asks with a nervous chuckle. She is still uncertain, but also a little more confident because of the attorney's smile.

Alex laughs. "Yes, it's a happy tear. You don't know how long I have waited to hear that from you." Looking into those dark gorgeous eyes, she continues. "I love you too, Olivia, so much. I really am sorry I didn't tell you about my sister. It's just such a painful memory." The blonde lowers her gaze to the photo.

Reaching for her hand, Olivia squeezes it gently. "Lex, telling you that I love you was not just for you. It was for me as well. Because I have been holding onto the fear of rejection or ruining our friendship, I lost time that we could have had together. Holding it in was killing me. Sharing my life was therapeutic to me. Telling someone I can truly trust…" Olivia elongates the last sentence looking directly into Alex's eyes. "Yes, Alex, you. I trust you with my life and heart. I want us to be open with each other, but I understand if you can't tell me. I don't have to know."

Alex laughs softly. "Yeah right Olivia. You don't have to know? I know you better than that."

"Fine, I want to know, but I can wait if you aren't ready."

"No, I promised that I'd be open." Olivia tries to interrupt the attorney. "No, Olivia, you didn't pressure or force me by asking that. If we are going to start a relationship, we need to be open."

Olivia's eyes brighten immediately at the word of relationship. Handing the picture back to the detective, Alex takes a deep breath, ready to tell her story. '_I can do this,'_ she tells herself._ 'With Olivia and also with you, Melissa, I can do anything. Here we go.'_

The detective studies the picture. '_Melissa looks so much like Alex. I always assumed that it was a picture of her. I can't wait to meet her, but if Alex never told me about her and I've never seen her until now, maybe that meant they don't get along. But then why does Alex speak about Melissa like she is a saint? Maybe Melissa ended the relationship? So many questions.' _

Moving her gaze back toward those blue eyes, which are filled with emotion instead of their usual steel for the courtroom, Olivia tries to offer reassurance. "I'm here for you."

"Melissa was raped on her school trip," Alex begins slowly, more tears forming in her eyes. Olivia nods, thinking that this must be the conversation they had in the hospital room together.

"She was on a trip as a student ambassador. She was looking forward to it so much. She wanted to travel the world. Australia was her dream trip. She wanted to go so bad. That is when everything changed. She was gone for long periods of time, and it felt like she was making her own life and I was no longer a part of it." Alex's voice quivers, becoming a slight whisper of regret and sadness. '_Why couldn't it have been me instead of her? She didn't deserve it, no one does. I would die for her.'_

Shaking it off, she continues to explain. "She was making a difference and she was my hero. She was living her dream and then it became a nightmare. She met a boy at the hotel pool and he later forced his way into her room. And then…" the blonde choked a sob back as Olivia pulled Alex into her arms.

"Oh, honey." The brunette tries to comfort the attorney, but is cut off again.

"Why couldn't it that have been me instead of her?"

"No, Alex. You know she wouldn't have wanted that to happen to you either."

"Olivia, our relationship used to be so strong. I mean, even with the age difference, we were close like twins. Then she pulled away after she got back. I thought it was because she was becoming her own person, that she was a typical teenage girl that didn't want to hang out with her dorky sister. Liv, we used to sit together in our pajamas watching cartoons like Winnie the Pooh, wrapped up in blankets in the middle of summer. Huddled together, close, enjoying each other's company. Our mom would walk in and shake her head at us, thinking we were crazy being all wrapped in blankets in hundred degree weather." Giggling at the memory Alex shakes her head as more tears begin to fall. "I still wrap myself in a blanket at home all the time." _God, I want that again so bad. I would give anything if I could wrap myself in the comfort and love of my sister one more time._

Olivia smiled at the memory Alex had just woven. '_I wish I had a sister or brother I could have that type of relationship with. What happened? Why don't Melissa and Alex do that stuff together now?'_

"She had so many more friends than I did. I was more of the shy girl. She was the outgoing one. She made a path for me to be unafraid to live in this world. To give me the strength to pursue my dreams and the confidence I needed to accomplish them. One time when we went to San Francisco, we went to Alcatraz and there was a man there who wrote a book, he had been a former prisoner. I was scared because he was a criminal, but Melissa… she walked right up to him, pulling me with her, and my mom laughed and got the camera ready. I was scared to death, but she stood right next to him and said hi. She told him our names and asked for a book, an autograph, and a picture. We talked with him for a while as he shared some of his life. I still have the picture of us with that sweet old man. I made a judgment as soon as I heard he was a criminal, but Melissa saw the man as a person." Starting to cry harder, Alex struggles to finish the memory. "She taught me to look at people without judgment. She taught me to accept everyone. Melissa was a better person than me. Why did any of this have to happen? Why did she have to…" The words stuck in her throat.

'_Why can't I ever finish that sentence?'_

"I don't know, baby. I don't know why bad things happen to good people. She sounds like an amazing person... Alex, look at me." The detective moves into Alex's line of sight. "You are an amazing person too. I have never met anyone like you. You show so much dedication to all of the victims. You even understand the other side sometimes, when the perps are also victims that need help. Alex, you made me a better person, and do not ever forget how special you are to everyone, especially me and your family. I know Melissa must be very proud of you."

"I just want to make her proud but Olivia I need to do more, I failed her as a sister. After she got back from Australia, she wasn't herself. She slept a lot and we didn't hang out together anymore. No one told me what had happened to her. I just felt her pushing me away, and I didn't do anything to stop it. I didn't help her, I KNEW something was wrong and I did nothing."

'_Wait… Australia? Pushed away after she came back? No one told her what had happened?' _Olivia's brow furrows in confusion.

"It wasn't until later that I found out she had been raped." Alex forces out the words, swallowing hard.

The pieces finally fit together for Olivia. '_Oh my God, that's what Alex meant back in her apartment. That's why she kept saying 'not again.' Melissa had been raped before on a school trip to Australia. She came back and distanced herself because she was a victim. Alex didn't find out until later, but the damage had been done. The scum had taken away Melissa's innocence and destroyed the beautiful relationship that the sisters had. Alex was a victim as well. Melissa pulled away and left Alex alone. I have seen that so many times. Now it happens again and I bet Alex is blaming herself, thinking she abandoned Melissa in the past and wasn't there to protect her now. Maybe now they can heal. I will help them both rebuild. I promise you, Lex, I will fix all this.'_

"This is why I do what I do, because with every person I help put away. I feel like my sister is helping them through me. That I am getting justice for her because we never got the man who raped her."

"We will get this guy, Alex. I won't let him get away." _'We might not be able to get the first monster but we will get this one.'_

A smile graced the lawyer's lips. "You remind me so much of her, Olivia. You both have the same sense of humor and facial expressions. The same headstrong drive and dedication. The same heart…Would you like to meet her?"

"I'd love to, Alex. It would be an honor." Both rise up and start back into the hospital. Holding each other's hand they make their way back to the trauma center. Olivia turns toward Melissa's room and sees that Serena is still in with her. A hard tug stops Olivia in her tracks and she almost falls. "AH!" Olivia is surprised and even more confused when the blonde starts heading toward the elevator.

"Don't worry, Liv. Serena will take care of her for now and Munch is here. She will be fine and you can come back later."

"Alex, I thought we were going to meet your sister?" Olivia asks, wondering if the attorney has changed her mind already.

"We are." Alex turns back toward the elevator, pulling a very confused detective with her.

**Sorry for all the cliffhangers lol. Hope it all makes sense. As I said any questions you have will be answered in chapters or please ask me and I will tell you if you want a spoiler and can't wait for it.**


	7. Chapter 6

**This chapter was really hard to write. All the stories from Alex's past are mine. I did curl up in blankets with my sister and we did meet that old man at Alcatraz. These feelings and emotions Alex has in the past are mine I had. What happened after my sister's rape are true events and this is what I did and felt. Thank you all again for your kind reviews and help.**

Chapter 6

Confusion. It is the only thing Olivia can think about, the only emotion she can feel. She is extremely confused. First of all, she can't quite believe that Alex actually loves her and wants to try for a relationship with her. Then, there is the whole confusing story of Alex's sister. Now she knows that this is not the first time the ADA's sister has been raped. A sharp turn reminds Olivia that they are driving somewhere, and she wonders where Alex is taking them. Wasn't her sister back at the hospital?

After everything that has happened, the detective can't think of a word to say. Silence echoes through the vehicle. Finally, Alex sighs. She notices the expression on Olivia's face. She is obviously confused once again. '_Have I not been clear with Olivia?'_ Alex wonders quietly._ 'Is she afraid of starting a relationship now and changing her mind? She was so confused after I took her from the hospital. That girl will be fine with Serena and Munch.' _A shiver shoots up her spine.

'_She looks so much like my sister. Sometimes I forget that it isn't her. She is a teenager. Melissa was sixteen when she was raped. That was twenty two years ago. They aren't the same, Alex… they aren't. But they are. The case is too similar. I just have a weird feeling that they are connected. What am I saying? I just want them to be so I can catch my sister's rapist. It was teens that raped them both. It can't be the same guy.'_

Unable to stand the silence any longer, Alex turns to Olivia. The detective is looking out of the window, trying to determine where they are headed.

"Olivia? Did I do something wrong?" the counselor asks tentatively.

Turning around, Olivia smiles to reassure her. "No, Alex, you didn't. I am just confused. I just don't know…"

"You don't know about us?" Panic seizes Alex and she clutches the steering wheel tighter.

"No…" Olivia leans back against the headrest of the seat, feeling a migraine build behind her eyes. It's been a long, emotional day, and she needs some straight answers. "I am not confused about us, but why did we leave the hospital? You said you wanted me to meet your sister. If Melissa is there, then why did we leave?"

Alex raises her eyebrows. "Liv, Melissa isn't at the hospital. What are you talking about?"

"What are you talking about? You were talking to her when I got there."

"Oh… Liv, sweetie, that girl isn't my sister. Melissa was raped twenty two years ago. She was sixteen and I was twelve. Your new victim just looks eerily similar."

Olivia's jaw drops and she lets out a short, surprised bark of laughter. "That makes so much sense. I was wondering how someone her age could have dragged an adult sister around. Besides, thinking about you watching cartoons in blankets with your sister seemed kind of weird with the huge age difference..." Her voice trails off when she saw Alex pulling into their destination. _'Oh my God.'_

"I am so sorry, Liv. I never meant for this to be so confusing for you. I didn't know that was the problem." Sorrow fills Alex's eyes. '_Why do I have such a hard time coming here?_' She thinks. _'Melissa's my sister. I love her.'_

Painful realization dawns on Olivia's face. "Alex…"

"She came back from Australia and she was different. My mom and dad thought I was too young to understand what had happened to her. They didn't tell me. I just saw Melissa distancing herself from me. I thought it was just her getting older, you know, the whole 'I am a teenager and you are just my dorky little sis' thing. I should have realized that something was wrong. She never would have done that to me."

Alex parks the car, and the two women open their doors, stepping out into the night. Olivia hurries over to Alex and takes her hand. '_She is hurting so much. God, she hasn't dealt with it. Even after 20 years she is still that little girl that is hurting because of what happened to her sister.' _Alex led the detective by their linked hands, walking slowly down a grassy path.

"After twelve years I finally admitted my feelings about Melissa's behavior to my mom. She started crying and told me about how they hid Melissa's rape from me. But I knew. Even though I didn't know, I knew. I knew something was wrong and I didn't do anything to fix it."

"Honey, you were still a kid…"

"I was her sister! She protected me and I should have protected her. She tried to commit suicide. I didn't even know that. No one told me! I was off living my life and I was not including her either. I should have just knocked on her door. What the hell is wrong with me?"

"Alex… you have to stop this. Stop beating yourself up. You didn't know. Your parents and Melissa loved you. They thought they were protecting you."

They stop walking, and Olivia takes Alex tear-streaked face into her hands. The detective kisses her cheek, knowing that this is really not the time or place to put the moves on her or kiss her yet. Smiling at the brunette, the blonde pulls her just a bit further before stopping once again, her eyes downcast. "I should have seen the signs something was wrong. Melissa slept a lot, and she was very quiet and reserved when she used to be so outgoing and spirited. She cut her long hair so short and was changing her appearance. Later, my Mom told me that Melissa hated herself afterwards and wanted to be someone else. She didn't want to see herself in the mirror. I also found out the reason she would not come near me. They tested her for HIV and she didn't know if she was infected."

Olivia puts her arm around the younger woman, comforting her. She wishes she could do more, just like Alex wished she could have done more for Melissa. The prosecutor looks up, and Olivia's eyes follow Alex's to see where they have ended up. They have stopped in front of a marble headstone, but it is far from ordinary. This headstone has been carved into the shape of a beautiful young woman. Instantly, Olivia realizes that this is Alex's sister. The inscription under the sculpture confirms it. Even though she knew that this was coming when they first entered the cemetery, the sight makes Olivia shiver.

"Then, the day after Christmas we had an amazing time together," Alex says, continuing her story. "We had just gotten a Nintendo and we were taking turns playing Mario. We sat next to each other cuddled in blankets and finished the game together. She hugged me again." Alex lowers herself to her knees, and Olivia follows suit. "I left for my cousin's house. He had just gotten a pool table and I wanted to play. We were the same age and I had such a great time with him. After a couple hours, I went home and had dinner with my family, but my sister was out with her friends at a movie. I was curled up in my blanket, watching my favorite show on TV, and …"

Sensing how difficult this memory is to recount, Olivia pulls Alex in tighter, shielding her from the world and trying to control her shaking body. The detective is having a hard time controlling her emotions as well. Her own eyes are tearing up.

"There was a knock on the door. Because of that knock, I am afraid to open the door anymore without knowing who it is." Olivia suddenly realizes why the attorney had taken so long to answer the door during her earlier visit to Alex's apartment. "I'm scared that opening the door will shatter my life once again. My dad opened the door and a policeman came in. All I remember is him saying sorry, and my mom and dad crying. I ran to the bathroom and started throwing up. I still throw up whenever I have panic attacks. My sister never made it to the movie. She, her boyfriend, and two other friends had hit some black ice and skidded into oncoming traffic. They were hit head-on. Her boyfriend died in-flight to the hospital. The other two in the other car were killed as well. She was... getting…. better. She was with me again. She… let me in. We were sisters again. Why did she have to leave me alone? Why did she have to die?"

Alex collapses into Olivia's arms, sobbing uncontrollably. Crying into Alex's hair, Olivia slowly rocks her back and forth. "Let it all out, honey. I am here. I will always be here. I will never leave you. I love you, Alex, and you will never be alone again."

Olivia stares blankly at the black marble headstone. Melissa's image is frozen there forever. She was beautiful. Not just her face, but her heart and soul. She can tell from Alex's stories how wonderful she was, how much she meant to the blonde woman currently in her arms. '_No wonder she was having such a hard time today even before being I came with the case to her. It was her sister's birthday today. She was born on St. Patrick's day. I came to her apartment with a case almost exactly like her dead sister's, and on her sister's birthday. What have I done to you my angel?'_

**I changed the time to equal the age of Alex and Olivia. My sister died Dec.26, 1997. She was my hero. We had just gotten the nintendo 64 and that day we played together on Mario. I still have her save file with 5 stars collected. I can't erase it, it is her game. I wish so badly that I had been the one that had been raped instead of her. And that I would have died instead of her. She was my sister. She was so much better then me and could have done great things in her life. I struggle to even get out of bed and I can't even finish school due to the anxiety. I have a hard time working because of PTSD and panic attacks and depression because of that night and other tragedies. I am not trying to compare or say my hurt is more then others. Others have gone through much more then I have but have made success in life. I am trying so hard and hope on day I can.**


End file.
